Why do so many successful people fall for unavailable partners?

One of the biggest obstacles that my clients face is how to break the cycle of being attracted to unavailable partners. Recently this has come up again and again in conversations and sometimes looks like: 

• Spending months trying to convince someone that they’re worth committing to, and accepting breadcrumbs because 5% is better than 0% 

• Getting trapped in the anxious- avoidant emotional rollercoaster, where they pull away when you get close, or your anxiety sabotages the relationship 

• Associating love with being chosen by someone unattainable, because you think it will fix what feels broken 

• Rarely meeting anyone they have a connection or chemistry with, so when they do it can feel like their whole happiness depends on it working 

With clients, we spend time bringing awareness to why they’re attracted to certain people, and shining a light on the parts of themselves that might need to heal. We then start to break the cycle by rebuilding confidence, beliefs, attachment triggers and bring the joy and hope back to dating and love. In other words, we turn the volume up on them. 

Whilst each client is completely unique, there are a few common reasons why we tend to be attracted to (and sometimes addicted to) unavailable partners. If you want to watch the full video on this, you can do so here, but here is a sneak peak! 

1. Our role models and dynamics during formative years have a huge impact. It’s important to acknowledge this here, without blame, because more often than not our caregivers did the best they could, to their ability. But, if we grew up in an environment where a parent wasn’t available to meet your emotional needs, or you had to adapt your own behavior, needs or emotions to keep everything on an even keel, then it’s common that we will be drawn to this within our own romantic lives. As humans we are always looking for the familiar and tend to replicate that we know. So, we will either be drawn to partners who are similar to important people in formative years, or we will become that unavailable partner. 

2. Often when we crave love but are also weary of it, on some level it feels safer to go out with someone where there is a barrier. And when this happens, it’s because on some level we often aren’t available ourselves. When we’re chasing unavailable love, or are hyper critical of people who genuinely like us, on some level we are scared of it ending up as something real. We are scared of being vulnerable. We are scared of opening up. We are scared of intimacy. We’re scared of someone seeing the real us. When we have a part of ourselves that still needs to be healed or looked after, then we will avoid being with people that would force us to be vulnerable and connect on a deeper level. It keeps us safe. 

3. Society feeds us a load of crap about what love looks like! If you’re anything like me I grew up on a deity of Beauty & The Beast, Pretty Woman, Dirty Dancing and Grey's Anatomy! Relationships are filled with drama, excitement, fireworks and where the unavailable guy changed because the woman is worth it. NOT helpful when you’re trying to figure out what a healthy relationship looks like. 

If any of this has resonated and you’re either sick of being stuck in the same cycle, or you’re curious about finding out more, then on Monday 11th July I’m running an hour and half masterclass on just this topic! You can click here to find out more.