5 steps we can take to make sure rejection doesn’t hurt so much!

So in the last few weeks I’ve had quite a few clients who’ve gone on dates and it hasn’t worked out - they’ve said the chemistry hasn’t been there, or they’re not looking for the same thing. 

So, we’ve been doing a lot of work on feeling rejection, or despondency, or disappointment. And whilst this is something that can be applied to all areas of our life, not just in the romantic sphere, ever wonder why it tends to hit harder when it comes to love? 

Psychologists such as Julie Smith say that everyone deals with rejection, heartbreak and upset, but when it is linked to a core belief such as: that we might not be good enough for people, then the feeling of rejection or disappointment is far more deep rooted than in the immediate situation itself. 

For example, we all go through life building rules around ourselves and our beliefs which act as coping mechanisms. So, if you learned through certain experiences that if you’re ‘not enough’ so people leave, you may try and become perfect. You could be the perfect girlfriend, or daughter or get perfect grades. When something happens, such as you didn’t get the job you wanted, or you didn’t get the second date, or it didn’t work out romantically, aka you’re no longer ‘perfect’ and the core belief that you aren’t good enough gets triggered, which produces distress. 

PLUS other psychologists such as Marissa Peer argue that our survival has always been based on finding connection and avoiding rejection. Back in the day, if we were cast out and left by our community, chances are we wouldn’t survive. So now, even though our survival isn’t dependent on it, when we aren't accepted (for example by said love interest) the pain of it can still put us into fight or flight and feel like our survival depends on it. 

Interesting aye! So if we look at BOTH theories and accept that wanting to avoid rejection is a survival instinct AND it’s often linked to core beliefs of  fear of abandonment and not being good enough, then no wonder it can hurt like hell! 

So, next time someone tells you just to ‘get over it’ you know now why it might be so hard to do so! 

And I know it may be tempting to retreat so you don’t have to go through it. But no amount of putting walls up or hiding away can protect you from never feeling hurt or vulnerable. 

However, there is so much you can do to get yourself in a position where you feel safe to be vulnerable, you feel safe to open up and you can learn to see ‘rejection’ as not about you and your self-worth. Yes, it might sting your ego and get you down for a day, but it doesn’t have to feel like it annihilates you, or you have to go through the stage of obsessing about them for months on end after. By learning the tools and techniques you need to navigate it, you can learn you will always be ok. I’ve seen from clients (and myself) the huge leaps you can make in this area.  

It really is true that the only person who can truly reject you, is you, because no one can do so without your consent. You get to choose what you let in or don’t. You get to choose what you make about yourself and what you don’t.

So, here are five things you can do to get started! 

1. Learn to sit with it. When the emotion, or pain arises, firstly I want you to sit with it and get curious. I know this can be scary, but rather than trying to shove it away, or numb it out, or dive into obsession and analyze what’s happened, I want you to sit with your feelings, so you understand what’s happening. Take a little minute. Ask yourself: what’s happening? How do I feel? Where does this feeling sit? Does it hurt? Does it bring up any memories? 

2.  Get to know your stories.  The pain from rejection doesn't come from the words someone says, or the event that happens, it comes from the story we attach to it about our self -worth and beliefs. The pain of rejection is that we confirm the worst thoughts and fears we have. So for example, if we go on a date and we like them, but we don’t get a second date, this becomes, I’m not good enough, I knew I wouldn’t be chosen as no one will ever love me. Does that hurt? Hell yes! So, do some exploring around your limiting beliefs and get to the bottom of that. Ask yourself what story you’re attaching to it.  Is it that you tell yourself you can’t trust people? That everyone disappoints you? That you’re not enough? Look at what language you use to describe yourself, love and relationships. Because a lot of the time we blame the other people involved, without looking at the reason it affects us so much. 

3. Dial up self love and create new beliefs. Now we’re aware of our stories, we need to start to reframe these beliefs and rewrite the story you’ve been telling yourself. And one of the ways we can do this is through reprogramming our neuropathways to start hearing a different story. For example, if for the last 20 years your unconscious belief has been you’re not good enough. Start telling yourself something else. Start praising yourself. Start doing little things to demonstrate that you are worth it. Tell yourself each day something that makes you loveable. Something you’re proud of. Turn the volume up on you. 

4. Become evidence based. So as humans we go round collecting evidence to support our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. So, we take little times we feel rejected and store them away. So start collecting evidence (you can keep a list on your phone) of all the times you’ve been accepted and loved and times where you’ve learnt it’s ok to trust- not just by romantic partners. By family, friends, colleagues, whoever, I don’t care as long as it builds up your new book of evidence!  Write down every win and good thing, so when the feeling of rejection, or not being enough comes up, you have a book of evidence to look at.

5. Reframe what’s happening. So, when something happens, aka we don’t get a text back, we will create a scenario that fits our inner beliefs about the world, people and ourselves. But rather than jumping to those conclusions, ask yourself if your interpretation of the event is really true. What are the other reasons that this could happen? What other thoughts could you be having here? What feels better to believe? Look back at your book of evidence to support other ways of thinking here! 

Hope that helps and any questions just let me know.

Caitlin