How to beat the romantic comparison trap

SO, I was rewatching a workshop that the lovely Turning 30 Coach, Emma, hosted on my Leading in Love group programme, this week and it got me thinking about comparison, timelines and how that impacts our romantic lives. Because one of the key reasons why clients come to work with me is they’re sick of feeling like they're ‘one step behind’ when comparing themselves to siblings, friends and being bombarded by images on social media.

Whether it’s one big trigger, or 100 little ones, the comparison has built to a point where they feel like they ‘should’ be at a certain place in life, that by 30 they should be ‘partnered up’, on the path to getting a mortgage, dog and a proposal. And if they’re not, it means they start feeling left behind, not good enough and questioning their self worth and life path. In other words, they’re trapped in an uncomfortable place, where society and social media is helping them feel ‘less than’.

For a lot of these women, they’d love to meet someone, but also want to be able to let go of the timelines and the pressure and enjoy the process. And that’s what we work towards.

Because there’s nothing worse than wanting something, but wanting it out of fear, desperation and because you think it’s where you ‘should be’. When we’re coming from that place, as a general rule, good things don’t always happen [ cue: attracting people who don’t want to commit, settling, trying to rush the process and sabotaging it, plus A LOT of anxiety].

So, how do we start to turn the volume down on comparison and begin to let go of the ‘shoulds’, timelines and feeling like you’re one step behind those glossy social images/ slightly smug friends?

1. Firstly, accept that it’s normal to compare yourself to others and stop beating yourself up for worrying. Social theory argues that humans can evaluate and judge themselves primarily in connection to others, so we look up and down to try and evaluate where we are. Plus, psychologists such as Marissa Peer argue that we seek connection and avoid rejection in society, and we do this through conforming because it’s safe and we won’t be cast out. This is also perhaps one of the reasons that people inadvertently can make you feel bad if you don’t make the same choices as them - they want to confirm that they are doing the ‘right’ thing and you out there living your life in a different and FABULOUS way might be uncomfortable for them.

2. Secondly, if you can’t stop it entirely, look at how you can use comparison. Catherine Price, Science Journalist & Author argues that there are two types of comparison. The good kind, where we use comparison as goal oriented motivation to better ourselves, or the other kind where we use it as evidence that we are less than. So get clear on exactly how you’re comparing yourself and take some steps to rectify it. For example if it’s the latter:

   1. Look at your social space and mute/ delete / unfollow any posts or people who make you feel bad. You can mute friends, unfollow people you don’t know and snooze ‘suggested posts’.

   2. Add some new friends who are in a similar place in life and get what you’re going through and who also want to have fun, travel and date!

   3. Kindly set boundaries with family/ friends who question your choices or where you are in life

   4. And please, please remember that when you are comparing the worst thoughts and insecurities you have about yourself to the highlight reel that someone else puts out about them. It’s never going to be like for like.

3. Thirdly, stay in your own lane and become your own leading lady. You my love, are the start of your own show. And the reason I named my 1:1 coaching container this is because your priority is to create a life and love that fills you with joy, hope and growth. Get clear on what you would LOVE in your life. Get clear on what you want. Do something everyday that is an act of self care and that makes them feel good. Spend some time figuring out who you are and what you want. As Emma would say, it’s time to turn the volume up on you!

P.S. I’ve got a couple of exciting things coming up…1:1 coaching spots are open for August, and I’m so excited to get to know whoever my new clients will be! If it feels like your time, you can book your free call with me here, or go to my website to find out more.

And secondly, Leading in Love is reopening in late September and I can’t blaaaady wait. If you’d like to be put on the waitlist for info, you can join it here.