Why you SHOULDN’T always be looking for ‘The Spark’…
So I stirred up a lil bit of controversy on instagram when I said that you shouldn’t be fixating on ‘the spark’ when dating!
I had so many messages asking everything from why, to arguing that you can’t build a relationship without a spark, to wondering if to date someone when there wasn’t an initial spark, would you be settling?
The reason that it’s such an interesting subject is that in the current dating climate, we’re all conditioned to look for instant chemistry, love at first sight, fireworks and ‘the spark’. It’s what we fixate on, expect instantly and we write people off after a couple of hours because of it. We’re all searching for something, that for a lot of people is tangled up with anxiety, chasing unavailable people and the fear of ‘settling’.
SO, here’s my reasoning to WHY the spark is 80% of the time bulls*t and why it shouldn’t be used as an indicator for first date success.
‘The spark’ often has more to do with your attachment style than actual chemistry. If you’re used to dating people where there is push/pull and uncertainty and where it hasn’t always been calm, easy and straightforward, then we get used to a certain amount of adrenaline and anxiety when dating. This means when someone backs off, or you’re not sure of them, you feel awful, but when they get in touch, or arrange a date, or come back, you feel elated and on top of the world. Now, our pesky attachment system starts to correlate this feeling of uncertainty and excitement with chemistry and love. Hence the spark. In turn this means that when someone is straightforward and likes you and there isn’t the chase, or uncertainty, then it feels calm, and sometimes boring. We then write them off.
The spark does not equal compatibility. You can fancy someone and not really like them as a person. You can fancy someone and not be on the same page about what you’re looking for. You can fancy someone and hold completely different values. The spark is not a long term indicator of success. It’s more important to do the work you need to on what you’re looking for, your values and how you want to FEEL in a relationship, rather than focussing on the ‘spark’.
Only 11% of people claim ‘love at first sight’. Which means for almost 90% of the people in relationships, there was more of a slow burn. Chemistry often grows from connection - I mean, ever worked with someone, or been at school with someone, or spent a lot of time in their company and they’ve become more attractive the longer you get to know them? Well that’s because of the slow burn, which allows you to (literally) slow down and get to know them for who they are and how you feel around them. It’s why I always say give someone three dates, unless you have a real reason not to.
Some people are just sparky. They’re charismatic. They can make you feel comfortable. They’re good at connecting and flirting. And that’s ok! But again, not an indicator of long term success.
Now, as one lovely lady thoughtfully asked: “but if there's no spark, doesn’t it mean you’re settling?”
And the answer is no.
Do you really think you’re going to marry someone who you don’t fancy and find boring? Because I sure as hell hope not. This isn’t about settling for anyone. This is about slowing down and looking beyond the ‘instant’ chemical reaction you’re expecting on a first date and at how someone makes you feel. It’s about looking to see if there’s something that makes you want to get to know them a little better. If they were good company. If you felt comfortable and confident when with them. If you like them more each time you see them. If you don’t fancy them or feel a connection when you’ve taken some time to get to know them, then that’s your answer!
