Why we get so anxious when waiting for a text back!

Let's be honest, there's not a lot worse than waiting for that text. 

👉 You could be waiting to see if they text after a date 

👉 You could have asked them out, or said something vulnerable and are tenterhooks to see if they reply 

👉 You could have actually let them down gently and now have the pit of dread seeing their response 

👉 Or you could have noticed they're pulling away and have been trying to do a sassy re-engage 

Whatever the situation, I'm sure it's involved a lot of throwing your phone on your bed, and leaving the room, to pop back 20 mins later, to start the checking process all over again. 

In other words, it’s a hideous emotional energy trap.

So the question is why do we get to sucked in?! What is it that happens to our (usually) calm, rational selves? For the full explanation you can checkout the latest Podcast episode, where myself and Carly-Ann do a deep dive on this topic, HERE 

The unpredictable reward system 

That's right, we find unpredictable rewards more exciting and addictive than consistent, predictable rewards. What does that mean for dating? Well, when we're not sure about someone, or they're not consistent in their messaging or feelings, we get hooked. Something gets triggered in our brain and we're all in. Dopamine thrives off uncertainty and anticipation, and we can often stay in this place, feeling sky high when they text and a rollercoaster when they don't. 

Rejection/ abandonment wounding 

If you have an anxious attachment system it means that when your relationship, or situationship feels ‘threatened’ (e.g. they haven’t replied or messaged you) then you have one thought – to re-establish closeness. This includes things like overthinking about the person and situation, believing this is your only chance for love, refusing to let go or only remembering the good qualities. Usually this goes hand in hand with rejection or abandonment wounds, where we are hyper sensitive to any perceived form of rejection or uncertainty. So that lack of text hits hard! 

We want what we can't have! 

Sometimes we place more value on what we can't have - it's called the scarcity affect. It can be as simple as when they're not sure, we're more keen. It can be sexy and sometimes that's ok. 

We're creating a story about something that hasn't happened… 

That one message, one response, can get wrapped up in our deepest darkest fears, so we end up attaching our chance at happiness and our hopes of meeting someone to this one person. And effectively, this one text. “Am I good enough? Why don't they like me? Is there someone else? What can I do? Shall I text them? Am I going to be single forever?”. It's rarely the lack of text that hurts, but the story we attach to it. 

👉 In other news I have just TWO spaces left for a six week coaching container (and I have a cheeky offer for you!) Start date must be before Mid October

This is for the person who wants structured 1:1 support to work on the key areas that will help them move forward, but needs less of a time and financial commitment. If you want to book a free call to chat it through, please do so here.