How to stop worrying about time
So, last week I had a consult call with a (now) new client (yay!) who said her life hadn’t turned out like she envisioned by the age she was.
That she had a certain expectation of how her life would look. She had milestones and things she wanted by 30 (mainly husband, house, secure job and possibly babies) and at the age of 35+ she was starting to feel like time was slipping by and running out.
As with anything, the weight of expectation, and subsequently not having it (yet) meant she was finding it difficult to:
Stop feeling like a failure
Stop worrying about time running out
Appreciate how her life feels now
And I know that how my client feels isn’t unique. I get the same messages every week from my amazing community talking about the pressure of ‘time’. So, today I wanted to give you a few pointers on how you can reframe your thoughts around time and what you can do to stop worrying.
OK, let’s talk about our CONCEPT of ‘time’. As a general rule, we tend to think about time in blocks, that we need to do things by a certain age, so we have one year, three years, five years, ten years until we hit our ‘scary’ age. All this means is that there is a looming deadline you have in your head of when time will ‘run out’.
That does not sound fun. Especially when the average life expectancy for a woman is 83. EIGHTY THREE. So to think you have to have it all figured out by 35 is ridiculous. So, what if we zoomed out, and rather than thinking about time in relation to chunks of age, we started to think that we have a LIFE-TIME ahead of us to leave a legacy. To be happy. To get whatever we want. We want to create a life based on desire and hope and on dreams. NOT on need and fear and everything else.
And before you say, yes but what about my biological clock, I do want children and that does have a time limit, here’s some food for thought:
The statistic that 1 in 3 women aged 35-39 won’t get pregnant after a year of trying is based on data from French births in 1700s
In fact, more recent studies showed that 78% of women aged 35 to 40 conceived within a year, compared with 84% of women aged 20 to 34 - only a 6% difference.
A study in 2015 found that there was no significant difference between neonatal outcomes for mothers over 40, as long as you were careful to treat any existing illness, followed guidelines and had good pre & postnatal care.
AND ALSO, men’s sperm also decreases and loses effectiveness, but no one talks about it, or uses it as a societal shaming tool.
To me, this suggests that we need to reevaluate when and how we can do things and think in less ‘absolute’ terms about age and time ‘running out’.
What if, rather than wanting to control how our life looks, we instead started to trust that the universe has a plan, and that we are exactly where we are meant to be. It may not be what you intended, but it’s where you’re MEANT to be. That everything that is meant for us, will not miss us. Go on, say it outloud and see how it feels.
What if we, instead of looking around at our life and finding everything we DON’T have, and thinking that other people have been dealt better, or easier cards, we started to look and create meaning in where we are and what we have. In other words, rather than get lost in ‘time’ and ‘when’ we want things by, we commit instead to moving towards what FEELS good. We commit to creating meaning in our own lives. We let go of what we can’t control and focus on what we can.
So now, go write a list of everything you’re worrying about. And then cross off all the things you have no control over. Next to the things you can control, write two - three small action steps that you can take.
And use this as an opportunity to be really honest with yourself. In what areas of your life do you want things, but have been ignoring them, or just hoping it works out?
I mean, if you’re here reading this, then you may worry about meeting someone. So ask yourself, is that in your control?
Well, probably not in the way you think. You certainly can’t control the when, the where, the who. In other words, there’s nothing you can do about controlling the external. But you can work on you, so you set yourself up with the best chance possible.
For example, have a think about things like:
Are you actively trying to go on dates and are open?
Are you still saying yes to people who are a no?
Have you let go of what they ‘have’ to look like?
Have you admitted out-loud that it’s what you want?
Have you got yourself in an emotionally healthy, available place?
If the answer’s yes, then there’s no further action steps and you just keep doing you! If the answer’s no, then make a couple of notes on what you could do differently!
