How To Turn Ghosting To Your Advantage
So as you might be aware, I recently recorded an episode on my podcast All About Love (out in Jan!) on the good old topic of ghosting (ironically recorded on Halloween).
During my research I read some mad stats that suggest ghosting has now become so common that it’s seeping into all avenues of life - for example, 75% of jobseekers have been ghosted by potential companies after a job interview (rude).
In fact it’s so rife in certain places, that countries like the Philippines are calling to criminalise ghosting as they say it amounts to emotional abuse (jail time might be going too far, but an interesting sentiment).
Anyway, it inspired me to get thinking about what we should DO about ghosting when and if it does crop up, so we don’t get stuck in the pain or anger of disappointment and rejection.
I mean, we’ve all gone on what we thought was an amazing date. They suggested a time and booked a great place. Simple. The conversation flowed. They put you completely at ease. You talked about all the things you had in common and would like to do together. It was natural and flirty and fun.
You floated round on cloud nine, convinced there would be a follow up text or call waiting for you when home. And they never called.
Or perhaps you’d even been on a few dates before you notice them taking longer to reply to messages, the effort gets less and less and they start to cancel or rearrange dates. You wondered what the hell you’d done wrong - how can someone go from being so keen to so, well, not? And sure enough, they’ve slowly faded away until one day - poof, they’ve gone!
Or, perhaps you’ve spent weeks getting to know each other on a dating app, talking most days and exchanging pics of various pets, places and what you were up to. Until it was time to meet. And hello casper we meet again!
Whatever the scenario it still sucks! Even with your big girl pants on and years of dating experience, it can still take you right back to that good old mindset of ‘what’s wrong with me’ or seeing it as a sign that we’re not good enough in some way.
Now, there are a billion reasons why people ghost (including people who hate being ghosted themselves). Some of them include:
Fear of difficult emotions and awkward conversations
Emotional immaturity.
They’re dating more than one person
They’re going through something totally unrelated to you and simply don’t have the headspace
They got back with an ex
They have a gf
They don’t want to hurt your feelings but something doesn’t feel right for them
(You’ll note that all those reasons actually have nothing to do with you.)
But more importantly than getting stuck in the guessing game of WHY they’ve disappeared, let’s talk about what you can do.
When I’m working on this with clients, there are two main questions we focus on:
How can we use this situation to move you forward in some way?
Where do you want to put your energy now?
With this context, each client decides if the best lesson for them is to:
✅Choose to move forward and not say anything, taking the silence for their closure, as it feels better to close their energy off to that person and focus on what’s to come
✅Take this opportunity to speak up and send a polite and empowering message to the culprit as a way to practice setting boundaries and communicating
We then might do things like:
❣️Feel your feelings and talk it out
❣️Use this as an opportunity to clean up their behaviour and dating etiquette (a lot of us have been guilty of the slow fade or ghosting ourselves at some point)
❣️Double down on gratitude and planning exciting things they can do in the future
❣️Booking time in for them to gym, or journal, or see friends
❣️Getting excited for something far better to come romantically
❣️Look at what qualities and values we do want in someone
❣️Look at if any healing work on rejection, abandonment or self-worth could take place
❣️ Set any boundaries that might pop up to protect our peace whilst we deal with this!
❣️ Delete/ block them from socials/ phone (and use it as an opportunity to have a clear out)
Basically, I could list a thousand things you could do to put all your energy and joy back on yourself. Because every time you step into stalking them on insta, or posting pics to get their attention, or getting stuck in the ‘why’ it happened then we’re still giving our headspace to them! Which they don’t deserve.
Because you, my love, are fabulous.
Anyway, on a lighter note I have a few spaces left to start coaching before Chrimbo and will also be taking deposits to start in January 2023.
So, if you want to end the year on a high, or you want to put plans in place for January, then you can book a call here. This can be for individual coaching or group coaching. Basically, come and have a chat!
Love
Caitlin
