Do you have to sacrifice chemistry for compatibility?
After a recent podcast episode (coming soon) and a few client sessions on this matter, I wanted to talk about a question I get asked a lot is: do I have to give up chemistry when looking for compatibility?
Short answer is absolutely not. Long answer is there are some conditions to be aware of.
When we think of chemistry, we think of ‘the spark’, ‘sexual attraction’, ‘butterflies’ - basically an overiding attraction that can sometimes feel all consuming. It can be sultry and slow or fun and full of joking and bouncing off each other.
For an addictive high, it’s pretty hard to beat.
Compatibility on the other hand is a slower process made up of lots of little puzzle pieces that fit together - it’s compatibility of values, sex, communication, lifestyle, intellect, emotions, what you want in the future. In other words, for a long term relationship to flourish, you have to have compatibility - it’s the glue that holds it together. It’s not about being compatible in every area (I hate my husband’s hobbies for example), but it’s about having another of it in the areas that are most important to you.
It might not be as sexy to think about as chemistry (and some people feel an unromantic, practical way to look at love) but it is the thing that will guarantee long term success.
The issue comes in that we’re all conditioned to prioritise chemistry as a marker of romantic success. We look for instant chemistry, love at first sight, fireworks and ‘the spark’. It’s what we fixate on, expect instantly and we write people off after a couple of hours because of it, calling people boring. We’re all searching for something, that for a lot of people is tangled up with anxiety, chasing unavailable people and the fear of ‘settling’.
Realistically:
Only 11% of the population claim love at first sight (in other words, there was insane chemistry and they got lucky with everything else)
Some people are flirty, sparky people and will create an environment where the banter’s flowing but it doesn’t always mean they feel the same way about you (sadly)
Chemistry does not equal compatibility, and a lot of the time we ignore red flags and everything else because we’re fixated on the spark. If you have insane chemistry with someone, get aware of what your internal thoughts, triggers and behaviour are and go slow. Or accept it for what it is and have fun, without trying to turn it into a relationship if it’s not meant to be
We often have chemistry because of our internal attachment system, and we mistake chemistry for anxiety because we’ve been conditioned to the highs and lows of people that pull away
We have chemistry with people who are unavailable for more reasons than I can write in this newsletter but you can check out a video here
Every single time I have done a visualization with clients about love, they say they feel content and grounded. In other words, love feels calm. It’s not the extreme highs and lows that can be created by chemistry.
Now, as one lovely lady thoughtfully asked: “but if there's no spark, doesn’t it mean you’re settling?”
And the answer is no. Do you really think you’re going to marry someone who you don’t fancy and find boring? Because I sure as hell hope not. This isn’t about settling for anyone. This is about slowing down, seeing who you have a deep, calm connection (and attraction to) and looking beyond the ‘instant’ chemical reaction you’re expecting.. It’s about looking to see if there’s something that makes you want to get to know them a little better. If you could be the real you with them. If that excitement and attraction is building and building, rather than fizzling out after two months..
If you like them more each time you see them. If you don’t fancy them or feel a connection when you’ve taken some time to get to know them, then that’s your answer!
If you’d like to find out more about working together in the New Year, then book your free discovery call below.
