Are you setting healthy boundaries or putting up walls?
During one of the group modules in Leading in Love, someone asked “but how can you tell if you’re setting boundaries or putting up walls.”
And it inspired me to get writing. (If you want to watch the longer video format for this, you can click here)
Because when it comes to love, and we’ve experienced rejection, hurt or disappointment, we want to create a safe space to protect ourselves against any future mishaps. And we do this by putting ‘rules’ in place. However, there is a difference between creating boundaries as an act of self love, or putting up walls as a defense mechanism to keep people out. And it’s up to us to figure out what we’re doing, so, when we’re ready, we can have healthy, happy relationships and friendships.
So, what’s the difference?
To quote the fab Mark Groves, a wall is designed to keep everyone out and a boundary shows someone where the door is.
In other words, boundaries are ultimately about showing someone how to love and interact with you in a way that feels comfortable for you. It’s about building the best relationships with yourself and others and is an act of self love. Creating boundaries is an active process that requires you to look at your intention, communication and self love. They’re also flexible and will develop/ change over time, depending on where we are in our life and what we need.
A boundary lets the good in and keeps the toxic out.
A wall on the other hand is designed to keep everything out, good and bad. It’s put up in reaction to being wounded by something that hurt you in the past, out of the fear it could happen again. It’s your attempt to keep yourself emotionally safe from others. Through having walls, we are trying to control what happens.
A quick way to ask yourself if you’re creating a boundary or a wall, is ask yourself if your decision is coming from a place of fear, or self love.
Let’s use an example and say you were dating someone who turned out to be an arse and really hurt you by ghosting you.
Boundary: At the minute you know it’s best to take a little time off dating to focus on making yourself feel good and process what happened. You are open to meeting and trusting someone again, but now you know what behavior you won’t tolerate going forward, and what you need to communicate.
Wall: You tell yourself that you knew it would happen and you can’t trust anyone, so it’s better not to get attached. You stop dating completely (perhaps with the premise that you’re focusing on yourself/ your career) until you meet your perfect partner who meets all your requirements and manages to know exactly what you want and need without you ever having to tell them.
To help you figure it all out, here are some signs of boundaries vs walls.
Signs you may be putting up walls!
Difficulty trusting
Inflexible rules about what people can and can’t do
Closed off - reluctant to share or be vulnerable
Quick to cut people out of your life
Surface level relationships where no one opens up
Signs of a badass boundary maker:
Share personal information appropriately
Assertive
Ask for what you want and need
Clear about how you want to be treated and what your responsibility is
Strong sense of what matters to you and what you need to feel happy, loved and safe
SO my love, I hope that makes sense! I spent years building up emotional walls and not letting people get too close, so I understand the work and vulnerability it can take to remove the wall, brick by brick. This should only be done in a safe environment and slowly, so we rebuild your sense of security and self love as we go.
If you want to a helping hand to bring the walls down, or need help setting boundaries that make your love life feel great, then click below to get in touch and book your free call.
