Afraid of being seen as ‘too needy’? Here’s three things to consider
And before we start, no you’re not too needy. But you might need to rethink a couple of things.
So one of the largest concerns for many of my clients is the fear that they’re coming across as ‘too needy’. As if their (usually very reasonable) needs will repel everyone they meet. It stems from the same fear of being ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’ which means we put up, shut up, bend over backwards and squash our needs in order to fit with what someone else wants. In other words, in an effort not to appear ‘too needy’ we shut down our needs completely, fearing that they will overwhelm and push the other person away.
This can lead to us getting into situationships when we want a committed relationship, or people pleasing to the extent you don’t know who you are, or it can lead to months of anxiety where you’re on tenterhooks waiting to see if they’ll leave you if you do express something.
On the flip side, we can also use our ‘needs’ as a way to prevent us getting too close to people. We can either shut our needs (and the needs of others) down under the guise of wanting to be completely self-sufficient and independent (not needing anyone has become a badge of honor). Or, we can have a list with 100's of things that a partner has to do/be/have to meet our needs, and if they fall short, then we get to walk away. We can avoid conflict, emotional conversations and vulnerability through deliberately not getting too close and putting those walls up. However, more often than not, this comes from a fear that actually someone else won’t be able to meet our needs, so it feels safer.
Either way, trying to shut off our needs, out of fear and self protection (or perhaps simply because we don’t know what they are) can lead to a breakdown in communication, one sided relationships and a lack of connection.
The truth is, we all need to feel connected, valued, respected and cared for. So, rather than trying to get rid of your need for love, kindness and belonging, try taking it seriously.
Here are three ways you can start:
Really get to know what your needs are - have a think about what you need to feel happy, secure and love.
Look at how you can communicate them. Remember here that telling someone what you need is NOT about trying to control the outcome or the other person’s behaviour. That’s not our right. Your job is to think about what you truly need to be happy when dating/ in a relationship and communicate that with love.
Build a relationship with someone who responds kindly and is willing to work with you on what you need. Not everyone is going to be able to meet your needs and that’s ok, but there’s no point fighting a losing battle.
I hope that helps my love, as always, let me know you’re thoughts! If you think this is something you want to work on, then book your free call below and we’ll chat it through.
