Caitlin Smith | The Compatibility Coach Says:

“One of the biggest questions I get asked is “why do I keep attracting unavailable men” . Note, ‘unavailable’ usually means : don’t want commitment, man-child, sends inappropriate messages on dating apps - the list goes on. 

So, I wanted to share four questions that you can ask yourself if you find yourself in the pattern of attracting and being attracted to unavailable people, or feeling stuck in love…

1️⃣ Do I believe I deserve to be treated well and that I’m lovable enough as I am? 

For me this is the big one. Because in my experience when we do things like: 

❣️Don’t speak up and are scared to set boundaries 

❣️People please 

❣️Need to be perfect 

❣️Act from a fear of having to do or be more in order to be loved 

Then it can suggest that there’s a part of us that doesn’t feel good enough or lovable just as ourselves. In other words, we’ve been taught somewhere down the line that we’re not enough, and we can (unconsciously) use love to try and prove we are. They say relationships are often a mirror to what is going on inside, so use who you’ve been dating or in a relationship with as a learning experience and dive deeper. 

2️⃣Am I overvaluing chemistry or the chase? 

Society feeds us a load of crap about what love looks like - if  you’re anything like me I grew up on fairytales and romcoms! Relationships are filled with drama, excitement, fireworks and where the unavailable guy changed because the woman is worth it. Plus our brain is wired to get more excited when we receive rewards (like attention) in an unpredictable way. NOT helpful when you’re trying to figure out what a healthy relationship looks like. If this sounds like you, slow down and do the work on compatibility, getting yourself to a secure calm place. Remember that love feels calm, not addictive. 

3️⃣ How available am I for a relationship? 

Remember that choosing unavailable love is the same as avoiding available love. 

Often when we crave love but are also weary of it, on some level it feels safer to go out with someone where there is a barrier. And when this happens, it’s because on some level we often aren’t available ourselves. When we’re chasing unavailable love, or are hyper critical of people who genuinely like us, on some level we are scared of it ending up as something real. We are scared of being vulnerable. We are scared of opening up. We are scared of intimacy. We’re scared of someone seeing the real us. When we have a part of ourselves that still needs to be healed or looked after, then we will avoid being with people that would force us to be vulnerable and connect on a deeper level. It keeps us safe. 

4️⃣ Am I dating inline with my values? 

Often when we feel out of alignment or there is a niggle that something is wrong, it’s because we’re dating outside of our own values. For example, if you value safety, kindness and family orientated, but you’re with people who won’t commit and don’t treat you well, OR if you’re the one who is ghosting, sleeping with people when you know it’s not right, then you’re not acting from the place of who you truly are. If you want to find out what your values truly are, then I’ve got a fab surprise for you in January! More info at the bottom of the page. 

5️⃣ Does this dynamic feel emotionally familiar in some way? 

Our role models and dynamics during formative years have a huge impact. It’s important to acknowledge this here, without blame, because more often than not our caregivers did the best they could, to their ability. But, if we grew up in an environment where a parent wasn’t available to meet your emotional needs, or you had to adapt your own behavior, needs or emotions to keep everything on an even keel, then it’s common that we will be drawn to this within our own romantic lives. As humans we are always looking for the familiar and tend to replicate that we know. So, we will either be drawn to partners who are similar to important people in formative years, or we will become that unavailable partner. 

I know that these are big questions to ask, but the first step in growth and change is bringing awareness to our patterns and claiming responsibility for what we co-create!”