Is Your Search For Chemistry Giving You Anxiety

So, Let me fill you in on a common scenario that most my clients face.

Me: “So, what are you looking for in a partner?”

Client: “All I want is a mature, funny, attractive good guy, who makes me laugh and treats me well.”

*Mature, attractive, funny, kind & secure man sits in front of her.*

Client: “No I don’t want him, there’s no spark.”

Sound familiar… 

So I stirred up a lil bit of controversy on instagram when I said in one of my posts that you shouldn’t be fixating on ‘the spark’ when dating (I’ve done a longer vid on this if you want to watch!)

I had so many messages asking everything from why, to arguing that you can’t build a relationship without a spark, to wondering if to date someone when there wasn’t an initial spark, would you be settling? 

The reason that it’s such an interesting subject is that in the current dating climate, we’re all conditioned to look for instant chemistry, love at first sight, fireworks and ‘the spark’. It’s what we fixate on, expect instantly and we write people off after a couple of hours because of it. 

You see, we all talk about how much we want to meet our soulmate, but when push comes to shove, we end up rejecting the kind of person we should be with on account of there being ‘no spark’, or that it seems too easy, or that it feels something is missing (FYI I almost lost my husband due to this lovely lil pattern, so hear me out on it…)

More often than not we end up going back to the same people who produce feelings of anxiety and keep us on an emotional rollercoaster, because it’s what we have started to associate love with. 

‘The spark’ often has more to do with your attachment style than actual chemistry. If you’re used to dating people where there is push/pull and uncertainty and where it hasn’t always been calm, easy and straightforward, then we get used to a certain amount of adrenaline and anxiety when dating. This means when someone backs off, or you’re not sure of them, you feel awful, but when they get in touch, or arrange a date, or come back, you feel elated and on top of the world. Now, our pesky attachment system starts to correlate this feeling of uncertainty and excitement with chemistry and love. Hence the spark.

This is also incredibly addictive - think of the adrenaline rush you get when you see that message pop up, or when they say they’ve never felt like this. We’re constantly chasing that high. 

But the biggest kicker is that when we meet someone who is straightforward and likes you and there isn’t the chase, the highs or lows, or the uncertainty, then it feels calm. And because our attachment system hasn’t been triggered, we think it’s boring. There’s no ‘chemistry.’

But if there is one thing I can say to you is that love feels calm. It feels easy. You’re not checking their whatsap or socials 24/7. Or screen shotting messages to friends to work out how they feel. It’s not exhausting. 

Now, as one lovely lady thoughtfully asked: “but if there's no spark, doesn’t it mean you’re settling?” 

And the answer is no. Do you really think you’re going to marry someone who you don’t fancy and find boring? Because I sure as hell hope not. This isn’t about settling for anyone. This is about slowing down and looking beyond the ‘instant’ chemical reaction you’re expecting on a first date and at how someone makes you feel. It’s about looking to see if there’s something that makes you want to get to know them a little better. If they were good company. If you felt comfortable and confident when with them. If you like them more each time you see them. If you don’t fancy them or feel a connection when you’ve taken some time to get to know them, then that’s your answer! 

P.S this is exactly the kind of thing I’ll be taking you through, step by step, in my group coaching programme, Leading in Love, the bootcamp for women who want to transform their love life and attract a healthy, committed relationship.

Doors open to join (officially) open on 23rd January for a Feb 14th start date, but if you would like to chat anything through in the meantime, please do book your call with me here