Are You Overworking When It Comes To Love?

Something I’ve been reflecting on a lot lately is how we’ve internalised a belief or pressure that we have to work ‘hard’ at love. We have to do, be, have something more to make people stay or prove that we are lovable. 

A lot of the people I work with are high achieving, smart and successful at what they do, but they also struggle with setting boundaries, speaking up, people pleasing and being themselves on dates. They worry that who they are isn’t quite enough. 

Psychologists say that if somewhere down the line we learned that we aren’t quite enough (or lovable) just as we are, then we can spend our whole life proving we are worthy. Similarly, if we learned that certain external circumstances, e.g good grades or looking pretty, will get you attention and approval (aka love), then our internal coping mechanism becomes ‘doing’ having to ‘achieve’ in order to feel worthy.  You then learn to define your worth by those external circumstances and have an internal pressure to meet them. 

This could mean you need to be ‘perfect’ so not to give anyone a chance to dislike you (they say perfectionism affects 92% of us)

This could mean you don’t express your needs incase it pushes someone away 

This could mean you push down any emotion you feel so not to overwhelm others 

This could mean you pursue or hold on to unhealthy dynamics because you want to be chosen 

If I’m honest these are the coping mechanisms for a lot of my clients, and they were mine for years. 

But the good news is that you can unlearn these beliefs of not feeling enough. You can manage how you feel, so you don’t have the pressure of being perfect, or having to mould yourself to be what someone else wants. We can also learn what behaviour we have adopted over the years and what no longer serves us right now. 

Which is why the first two modules in Leading in Love are so important. During these weeks we’ll be going back to the beginning and connecting the past and present so you can gain clarity on attachment patterns, your belief system and the thoughts, language, emotion and behaviour that is shaping your love life. These modules are designed to  uncover the core of your romantic struggles and bring awareness to your love blueprint, and map out your romantic patterning and blind spots so you can break the cycle once and for all. It may not always be easy, but it is a crucial step towards healing your love life and you will be fully supported every step of the way.

Because my love, just as you are, right now is more than enough. You are worthy. You are strong. You deserve all the amazing things in the world. But it really is time that you start believing it and allowing that to shape your love life. 

Doors open to join (officially) open to join and we start 14th Feb, but if you would like to chat anything through in the meantime, please do book your call with me here