Why we chase unavailable love
So, I don’t know about you, but my relationship [who am I kidding, it never got to that stage - ok DATING] pattern tended to be:
Attract (and be VERY attracted to) unavailable men (emotionally unavailable, players, can’t communicate, rude, sometimes would turn out to already be involved with someone - you get the picture).
Convince myself that actually it had a chance to work and they could be the one, happily ignoring, or missing red flags.
Be so focussed on it working and them ‘changing’ that ignored anyone and everyone else
Get hurt and vow to only date someone who actually liked me and was available.
Become hyper critical of nice, normal man, pick them apart, call them boring and say there was no spark. Probably get the ick.
Back to chasing the unavailable.
Any of that resonate?
And ever wondered WHY we do it?
Now, there’s so many things I could mention here, namely around attachment theory and self-worth (and I’ll do a deeper dive into this another time - might even start a blog - stay tuned), but I’d say there is one overriding reason
The simplest answer is that often when we chase unvailable love, we aren’t available ourselves. When we’re hankering after something we can't really have, or are hyper critical of people who genuinely like us, on some level we are scared of it ending up as something real. We are scared of being vulnerable. We are scared of opening up. We are scared of intimacy. We’re scared of someone seeing the real us.
When we have a part of ourselves that still needs to be healed or looked after, then we will avoid being with people that would force us to be vulnerable and connect on a deeper level. It keeps us safe.
Because ultimately, a closed heart acts as a barrier to love. When you shut off and decide on some kind of level (subconsciously or consciously) then our vision of the world becomes clouded with this belief. As humans we have something called ‘confirmation bias’. Basically our brain looks for evidence to support those beliefs, because it makes us feel safe and secure and like we know what life is about. In the pursuit of this evidence, we are ultimately drawn to people who confirm this belief for us. As very few emotionally ‘healthy’ people are drawn to those who are unavailable, then we also tend to attract them. Which means it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy!
Now, the reason that I’m telling you this is because often when we find ourselves in this cycle, it’s easy to point the blame elsewhere, rather than looking at where we are.
Which is why with clients, working with me is rarely ever ‘just’ about ‘dating’. It’s about healing what’s holding you back. It’s about looking at what you’re avoiding and why. It’s about looking at the resistance.
So, if you think you’re ready to ditch the pattern of chasing unavailable love, and picking apart those who actually COULD be good for you, then book your compatibility call today to work with me this year.
