When to walk away (and why we find it so hard)
So an intersting week!
Two of my wonderful new clients have been seeing people recently. For one client, it’s been on and off for a few months. Both parties understand it’s casual as he isn’t available for a relationship. For the other client, she’s been dating someone since the second lockdown. She wants more. He can’t give her the kind of commitment, or the kind of relationship she wants.
All in all, neither are having a great time with their love interests.
And both are finding it hard to walk away.
And it got me thinking why? Both women are smart, successful and utterly gorgeous, inside and out. So why is it so difficult?
Logan Ury in her fab book “How not to die alone.” argues that when we have invested time, energy and emotional space into something, we want a return on this investment. We’re convinced that if we hang in there, we will eventually be rewarded for our efforts.
For example, the man/woman turns around and says ‘YES YOU’RE THE ONE’. They change. They commit.
This is what Ury calls the ‘Sunk Cost Fallacy.’
The Sunk Cost Fallacy describes our tendency to follow through on an endeavour if we have already invested time, effort or money into it, whether or not the current costs outweigh the benefits. That often means we go against evidence that shows it is no longer the best decision.
The example Logan uses is to think about if you have bought a ticket to the cinema. You get 20 minutes in and think it’s the worst film you’ve ever seen.
But you stay, because you’ve spent the money.
But what you don’t realise is that by staying, not only have you spent the money, but you also lose two hours of your life. So you’ve now not only lost your money, but ALSO your time.
And never is this more true with relationships. I mean we:
❣️The fact we stay in ‘situationships’ because we’re invested and we’re sure if we just wait a little longer they’ll want to be with us
❣️ If we’ve been dating someone for a few weeks we are then determined that it ‘should’ work out, even if deep down we know they’re not right. We then spent another 2 months obsessing over they it didn’t work out
❣️ Sometimes we stay in relationships where we’re miserable, because it would be such a ‘waste’ to let it go
What we don’t realise is by staying, or by continuing to obsess, or by waiting for someone to change, we are in fact wasting our time.
So, instead ask yourself what the longer term consequences are of continuing to stay in a situation that doesn’t feel good? What (and possibly who) are you missing out on by dating someone where 80% of the time you’re anxious, or miserable?
And what could you be doing instead?
Love
Caitlin
