The Spark vs The Slow Burn

Ok so after talking a bit about ‘the spark’ last week, I got SO many questions on this bad boy, so I’m sending out a whole newsletter on it!  

And as I said last week, there absolutely needs to be attraction to the person you’re dating. Even if this is 10% at the moment. 

But fixating on ‘the spark’ becomes an issue because we’ve all been conditioned to look for that insane instant chemistry, love at first sight, fireworks’. Which means when it’s not immediately there, we write people off and close ourselves off to potential.

For a lot of people, this chemistry/ attraction/ the spark can actually be tangled up with anxiety, chasing unavailable people, or unhealthy dynamics. SO let’s dive into WHY the spark is not always an indicator of romantic success. 
 

Sometimes spark = red flag

This might be a controversial one, but attraction and that undeniable chemistry sometimes has more to do with your attachment style. If you’re used to dating people where there is push/pull and uncertainty and where it hasn’t always been calm, easy and straightforward, then we get used to a certain amount of adrenaline and anxiety when dating. 

This means when someone backs off, or you’re not sure of them, you feel awful, but when they get in touch, or arrange a date, or come back, you feel elated and on top of the world. Now, our pesky attachment system starts to correlate this feeling of uncertainty and excitement with chemistry and love. Hence the spark. In turn this means that when someone is straightforward and likes you and there isn’t the chase, or uncertainty, then it feels calm, and sometimes boring. We then write them off. But these are usually the people who are good for us in the long run, and who make amazing partners. 

In fact, did I meet my now husband and think ‘I’m going to marry you.’ No? Second date? No Third date? No. Sure, I thought he was attractive, but compared to the other idiots I’d dated, it all felt a little too calm and easy. I was suspicious.

Spark vs the slow burn 

Only 11% of people claim ‘love at first sight’, which means for around 90% of us mere mortals, there was more of a slow burn. Behavioural Scientist Logan Ury is a huge advocate for allowing the slow burn to progress when dating. She argues that chemistry often grows from connection, and the more time you spend with someone, the more attractive they can get (or the opposite!) The slow burn, allows you to (literally) slow down and get to know them for who they are and how you feel around them. It’s why I always say give someone three dates, unless you have a real reason not to. 
 

Spark = doesn’t equal compatibility 

You can fancy someone and not really like them as a person. You can fancy someone and not be on the same page about what you’re looking for. You can fancy someone and hold completely different values. The spark is not a long term indicator of success. It’s more important to do the work you need to on what you’re looking for, your values and how you want to FEEL in a relationship. 

Some people are just hot and charming

Some people are just sparky. They can make you feel comfortable. They’re good at connecting and flirting. And that feels great! But again, not an indicator of long term success, because it’s about their charisma, rather than your connection. 

Now, as one lovely lady thoughtfully asked: “but if there's no spark, doesn’t it mean you’re settling?” 

And the answer is no. Do you really think you’re going to marry someone who you don’t fancy and find boring? Because I sure as hell hope not. This isn’t about settling for anyone. 

This is about slowing down and looking beyond the ‘instant’ chemical reaction you’re expecting on a first date and at how someone makes you feel. It’s about looking to see if there’s something that makes you want to get to know them a little better. If they were good company. If you felt comfortable and confident when with them. If you like them more each time you see them. 

If you don’t fancy them or feel a connection when you’ve taken some time to get to know them, then that’s your answer! 

Just as a bit of a reference for the rest of the 2024, I have limited ways to work with me. These will be the last intakes, and won't be able to take on any more clients after these dates - sob!! 

So if you would like to book a no-strings attached call, book yourself in HERE for a free coaching call, even if you just fancy a chat!

👉 The three month flag ship 1:1 programme - last intake 1st September 

👉 Leading in Love, The Group Coaching Programme - Open Mid September (dates not yet released)

👉  The six week coaching 1:1 intensive - last intake 1st October 

👉 Break through session - 1st November! 

Doors will open again SUMMER 2025!