“The ones I like don’t like me (or aren’t available, or decent humans) and the ones who DO like me, I don’t fancy.”

Hi beautiful,

I hope you’re having a lovely week! SO, over the last few weeks we've had an overriding theme come up, which might sound a leeetle familiar to you! 

 This is the age old - “the ones I like don’t like me (or aren’t available, or decent humans) and the ones who DO like me, I don’t fancy.” 

This usually means: 

💛 When we do meet someone we like, because it feels so rare, we attach very quickly and get a littttttle obsessed, or are on tenterhooks in case it doesn’t work out

💛 We project an image of that person of who we ‘think’ they are (aka boring or amazing) based on our attraction to them

💛 This is fuelled by the false belief that you don’t believe you can have passion and stability…(and therefore it’s unlikely to happen ) 

So, let’s dig into WHY we tend to do this… 

 ​​👀 The scarcity effect - in social psychology it’s argued that the more unavailable something (or someone is) the more value we place on it… 

👀  Human behaviorist Dr Helen Fisher found that romantic rejection can feel addictive, as it stimulates brain areas that control addiction, motivation, reward and cravings, so unrequited love becomes almost an addiction that we can’t stop wanting 

👀 Your Attachment style can influence your perception of attraction and chemistry - if we have an insecure attachment, we can associate love with anxiety and uncertainty, so available, secure love feels boring! Plus the underlying fear of abandonment and not being good enough means we can naturally be drawn to people that may indeed leave, or not be able to give us the love we want

👀 Childhood or very formative relationships might have taught you that love is chaos and uncertainty, so deep down you will be drawn to partners or situations that produce those feelings, and when it gets too much you will crave stability but perhaps also find it suffocating (yes I know, we’re complicated)

👀 We have formed the false belief that you can’t have both and now you will be on the lookout for evidence to support this belief - nitpicking at love interests and finding things wrong. 

Now, there are a billion other factors, but I hope that makes you feel less alone or frustrated about WHY this is your pattern! 

If you want to explore this further, here are some journaling questions to raise awareness around what’s going on… 

• Get curious when you are attracted to someone…

  • What happens in your body?

  • To your emotions?

  • To your thoughts?

  • What is it about them that appeals to you?

  • How do you start to feel about yourself?

  • Is there anything that you want to attain or prove to them (like that you’re different to other people).

  • What do you start to do? Do you go into people pleasing mode? Do you need to be perfect? Do you start to hold on? Do you start to chase?

• You also want to repeat the process when you meet someone and you think there isn’t the spark…

Let me know how you get on!