Dating feeling like a bit of a battlefield atm?

So, I got this feedback from my client this week that I worked with 5 months ago (six week programme): “I no longer have the ups and downs of feeling like giving up and then building up the enthusiasm to try again.” 

And I wanted to share it. Not because I’m tooting my own horn (beep beep), but because for most women I speak to, the cycle of dating burnout is HUGE. 

You rev yourself up only to be disappointed, then have to heal, recover and start the process all over again. 

Which means over time, in order to carry on, you have to develop a dating armour. 

You get ready for the battlefield. You go in, shield at the ready (or possibly armed). 

For some, this might look like: 

• Being immediately on the defensive, scanning for red flags and waiting for people to prove that yes, they are an idiot. You might test people, wait for them to f*ck up, or jump on anything. Like the little hedgehog that roams my garden at night, the prickles are out! 

• Having walls that are sky high. You might come across as cool, calm, collected (or guarded), but you’re incredibly cautious and struggle to let people see the real you  (I used to get called an ‘ice queen’ by dates and think GOOD when I heard it)

• Hyper-independence: where you learn you’ll only be disappointed and don’t want to rely on others, either because you can’t trust it, or you don’t want to be a burden. You go it alone, don’t want to ask for help and struggle to let other people do things for you (friends, family, colleagues, dates)

What is the common theme throughout, is we are always assuming the worst - about dates, other people, about the situation, about ourselves. We expect to be disappointed. 

But let’s take a pause here - I’m exhausted writing this, so can you imagine what it’s like to date like this? 

SO in order to let love in, and to meet someone great, we really do need to learn how to lower the armour. Otherwise we’re dating like we’re in a bloody boxing ring. 

And believe it or not, there are good people out there. I know them. My clients have met them. Your friends might be going out with them. You might work with great examples.

Whilst changing your mindset and belief work can get a little more complicated, there are simple behavioural changes you can try this week (that have nothing to do with dating) to guarantee you have a nicer time. Your dating life will reflect your everyday life, so this is where we start

1. Ask yourself each day, how can I show up today with trust [or insert whatever you’re working on]

2. Start practising by slowing down, when you’re out and about, stopping to pause and approach people you pass with a degree of openness. This might mean saying good morning. It might mean chatting to someone. It might mean petting a dog. It might mean taking your headphones out. 

3. Allow yourself to be vulnerable in a space you feel safe. For example, confide in a friend, or ask them to listen or help with something practical. With a colleague, allow them to support you with a project. 

4. Start accepting little acts of kindness and love - whether it’s compliments or a coffee. Rather than brushing it off or rejecting it, say thank you instead! 

I wanted to say I know how scary it can be to lower the defences, let yourself hope, or show someone the real you. So from the bottom of my heart I’m rooting for you! You deserve a situation where you have a nice time, where you feel light and peaceful and happy. So this is where you start. 

You might have seen it on Instagram but I have the following 1:1 spaces this month! 

• Three 1:1 spaces to work together for the three month hard core experience 

• Three 1:1 spaces to work together for six week as a short sharp intensive 

• One space left for a discounted hour and half breakthrough session. 

Feel free to book yourself in HERE for a free coaching call, even if you just fancy a chat!