Are They Pulling Away, Or Is It Your Anxiety?
A really common issue my clients struggle with when dating is trying to distinguish between their anxiety/fear and intuition.
When we have anxious tendencies (hello all my anxious attachers), or abandonment and trust worries, dating can feel excruciating due to the natural uncertainty of it. In other words, if we're preoccupied with the fear of being left, then any sort of uncertainty becomes unbearable.
So when we’re dating, it’s natural that your anxiety or overthinking is going to be on high alert.
This can mean that we will be on the lookout for:
⚠️ Red flags
⚠️ Any change in communication
⚠️ Them pulling away (regardless of the reality)
⚠️Any sign we’re not good enough compared to someone else
For a lot of my clients there is also a really uncomfortable feeling, or a lot of over-thinking at a certain time point, for example date three, or month three, because in the past this is where it has ended. They’re waiting for the shoe to drop and to get the text that it’s over, or they’re waiting for the communication to start dropping.
This leads to the question: how can we tell if it’s our anxiety and projection rearing its head, or if it’s a gut feeling that something has changed in the dating scenario.
Now, this is an incredibly complicated topic, and very personal to each person's circumstances and history, but a general guiding rule is:
If there has been no change in communication and consistency, and the other person is still showing up in a way that makes you feel valued and seen, then it’s most likely your fears and anxiety talking.
If there has been a change in consistency, communication and security, then yes, this could demonstrate that something has shifted.
For either scenario, rather than ignoring or trying to squash your fears or anxiety, there are some things you can do to bring yourself back:
Accept that things are going to feel uncomfortable and anxious, but you know that you will move through this and you will be ok. Keep telling yourself this over and over again.
Take some time to create just a moment of quiet and space and ground yourself through practices such as journaling, mediation, walking in nature, sitting with no phone or distraction.
Acknowledge what is happening and acknowledge the fear. Ask yourself where this is coming from, does it remind you of a past scenario? Have you felt this before? Where is it located in your body?
Have a conversation with yourself, calming yourself down and telling yourself what you need to hear, and offering reassurance, or presenting evidence that you are ok
Ask yourself if there is anything you need to say to the other person that you’ve been pushing down. You can communicate how you feel if the time is right and you feel safe enough to share what is going on for you.
I like to think that fear/ anxiety comes with a lot of stories, and mental chatter - like a wasp buzzing around that you can’t calm down. Intuition is a quiet voice that comes from a place of knowing (that can then produce all of the mental chatter). We can reach the quiet by getting to know our mind and triggers and stories and through making space for ourselves with the above practices.
Anyway my love, I hope that helps you navigate through and find a bit of clarity!
If you’d like to hear more on how to navigate the early dating stages and how to spot red flags, then on 1st November I am running a masterclass: How To Become a Dating Ninja! You can get your ticket here.
