Sometimes you gotta heal the hard stuff …
So I don’t know about you, but when it came to my love life, I could never get past the two month mark of dating. So I’d either be ghosted, phased out, or perhaps decide they were too available and phase them out. Which meant every couple of months I’d have a mini breakdown and look around to see what I could fix. In other words, I used to look externally to ‘solve’ the problem.
This meant doing things like…
❣️ Losing weight so I thought I looked better
❣️ Serial dating, thinking each one could be different
❣️ Trying to change the ‘type’ of guy I went for (e.g. looks)
❣️ Chronic use of dating apps, or giving up on them entirely
It would work for a time but eventually I’d end up back in the same place, feeling the same rejection, or repeating the same self-sabotaging patterns.
My real journey with healing my love life started when I finally looked at how I felt about myself. I didn’t really like myself, I didn’t believe I was lovable, and to be totally honest, I was sick of being stuck on a rollercoaster of emotions when it came to dating.
It was my game changer moment. The point where I slowed down enough to stop running from why I was repeating the same pattern of dating unavailable people.
I realised that I was expecting someone to come along and change how I felt about myself. To solve everything. To ride in and fix all of my problems and make me feel complete (note: that’s what ya get from watching rom coms from the age of 11 😜)
But, I learned the long and hard way that it doesn't really work like that. It has to come from you.
So I had to look deeper. I had to look at WHY I didn't like myself. WHY I picked the wrong guys. WHY I kept people at a distance. WHY I felt lost and a bit broken and kind of alone. WHY I couldn’t get past the two month mark. I then had to look at WHAT I could do about it and HOW I could become the person who was ready for a great life, a great love.
I looked at my childhood, my belief system, my experiences so far. I looked at my patterns, my language, my behaviour, the identity I'd adopted that kept me safe and secure. It’s what Teri Cole calls ‘clearing out the basement’ of your love blueprint.
And this is exactly what I’ve been doing with my group coaching container, Leading in Love for the last three weeks.
And the results have been so inspiring to watch. It’s been incredible to see these amazing women gain awareness, clarity and begin to challenge themselves to new ways of thinking, being and doing.
This might be the most intensive (and least fun) part of the journey, but it’s a crucial one. Because until you look at what’s going on internally, and subconsciously (followed through with action and accountability) then you can’t affect real change in your love life.
You can’t really jump to the end for the quick fix, as DELIGHTFUL as it would be. Otherwise it means we end up doing things like…
❣️Picking people who will affirm the worst beliefs you have about yourself
❣️Sabotaging something good that comes alone and recreating toxic patterns of the past
❣️Replicating the dynamics of your parents relationship
❣️ Running from intimacy and shutting people down
❣️ Obsessively clinging on to something that’s not right
So, here are five signs that you might have a little bit of inner work to do.
1️⃣ You have a pattern in attracting (or being attracted to) people who don’t want to commit, even though you do
2️⃣ Relationships are filled with drama, intensity or you rarely meet anyone you like, so when you do your get a leeeetle obsessive about them
3️⃣ You aren’t willing to trust or let your guard down
4️⃣ You go above and beyond for partners, doing anything and everything to try and make it work
5️⃣ You struggle to set boundaries or communicate your needs because you’re scared people will leave
Love C x
P.S I have 5 coaching spots to work with me in May. If you want to come and have a chat about it, you can email me on caitlin@thecompatibilitycoach or book your call here.
