Now I don’t know about you, but for most of my clients (and yours truly back in the day) the bit that is the MOST uncomfortable is what I call the ‘in-between time’. 

👉 The time, post-date, after the initial buzz has worn off. The time after they’ve said it was great to meet you but haven’t been in touch (yet). The time where you sit there thinking about the date. Wondering if they like you. Checking your phone constantly. Refreshing it. Checking online times and dating profiles. 

In other words, it’s a hideous emotional energy trap. 

Now, even though our whole being might be fixated on the other person, it's not really about them. It's about you. 

Because, that one message, one response, can get wrapped up in our deepest darkest fears, so we end up attaching our chance at happiness and our hopes of meeting someone to this one person. And effectively, this one text. 

“Am I good enough? Why don't they like me? Is there someone else? What can I do? Shall I text them? Am I going to be single forever?”

NO WONDER IT FEELS STRESSFUL

Now, please remember that if this anxiety led, adrenaline fuelled response is your pattern, then it might mean you have an anxious attachment style.

I won’t bore you too much, but if you have an anxious attachment system it means that when your relationship, or situationship feels ‘threatened’ (e.g. they haven’t replied or messaged you) then you have one thought – to re-establish closeness. This includes things like overthinking about the person and situation, believing this is your only chance for love, refusing to let go or only remembering the good qualities.

So it might help you to hear that a lot of the time, it’s not really about the person at the end of the phone. You’re not in love with them, or having some super-sonic response because they're the one, this is actually just your internal attachment system going into hyper alert.

Anyway, onto the three tips!

1️⃣ Rather than trying to immediately distract yourself, learn to sit in the feeling and acknowledge what is happening. Awareness is power. Ask yourself what’s running through your head? What feelings are coming up? Where does it sit in your body? What’s the story you’re attaching to this? It will give you a better insight into your beliefs and triggers, so we can learn to manage it.

2️⃣ Practice self-regulation and grounding. Often when we’re anxious and spinning out, it’s because we didn’t learn the tools and techniques to make ourselves feel safe when we were younger, so it’s important to do this now. Soothe your anxieties by giving yourself what you need in that moment, whether it’s reassurance, kind words, a hug. You can also practice grounding techniques such as meditation, being in nature, somatic breathing exercises.

3️⃣ Put the emphasis back on you and do one thing each day that lights you up! Yoga? Running? Seeing friends? Watching an amazing film? Dancing to hiphop? Something that you know lifts your spirits and brings you genuine joy.

With clients I work on very specific tools depending on their experiences and what they need, so the more exploring you do for your own triggers the easiest it is to do for yourself.

AS ALWAYS, LET ME KNOW HOW I CAN HELP

C x