Now I don’t know about you, but the bit I found the most uncomfortable back in the day about dating was the in between time. 

The time, post-date, after the initial buzz has worn off. The time after they’ve said it was great to meet you but haven’t been in touch (yet). 

The time where you sit there thinking about the date. Wondering if they like you. Checking your phone constantly. Refreshing it. Shutting it in a draw. Taking it back out again. Checking online times and dating profiles. 

You might even find yourself preempting ghosting and planning for the worst so it’s a nice ‘surprise’ when they reply. 

 Or, you might  find yourself scouring your conversation to see what was said and where it ‘went wrong’. 

In other words, it’s a hideous emotional energy trap. 

Now,  this is something my clients struggle with again and again.

Because it’s naaaat really about the guy or girl you went out with. It’s about us. 

It’s about the meaning we attach to getting that second date.. And the meaning can be anything from an ego boost, to feeling worthless if we don’t get that text. 

This one message, this one response, can get wrapped up in our deepest darkest fears, so we end up attaching our chance at happiness and our hopes of meeting someone to this one person. And to effectively, this one text. 

NO WONDER IT FEELS STRESSFUL

Now, please remember that if this anxiety led, adrenaline fuelled response is your pattern, then it might mean you have an anxious attachment style.

I won’t bore you with the science, but John Bowlby argued that we are genetically programmed to attach ourselves to a few individuals because it had a significant survival advantage. In other words, we have a basic instinct to maintain connection with an attachment figure at all costs (and as we get older, this means romantic interests). If you have an anxious attachment system (which, according to Dr Amir Levine, around 20-30% of the population do), you’re highly triggered by the relationship being in any sort of danger.

 This means that when your relationship, or situationship feels ‘threatened’ (e.g. they haven’t replied or messaged you) then you have one thought – to re-establish closeness. This includes things like overthinking about the person and situation, believing this is your only chance for love, refusing to let go or only remembering the good qualities.

So it might help you to hear that a lot of the time, it’s not really about the person at the end of the phone. You’re not in love with them, or having some super-sonic response because they're the one,  this is actually just your internal attachment system going into hyper alert.

By looking at relationships in this way you don’t have to deem them healthy or unhealthy, it is simply genetic programming and life events. In other words, you’re not going crazy. 

But, if this is something you want to work on, then drop me a line as my 1:1 client container is designed to help give you the tools and tricks you need in order to feel secure, content and happy. 

Anyway, onto the three tips! 

1. Rather than trying to immediately distract yourself, learn to sit in the feeling and acknowledge what is happening. Awareness is power. Ask yourself what’s running through your head? What feelings are coming up? Where does it sit in your body? What’s the story you’re attaching to this? It will give you a better insight into your beliefs and triggers, so we can learn to manage it.

2. Practice self-regulation. Often when we’re anxious and spinning out, it’s because we didn’t learn the tools and techniques to make ourselves feel safe when we were younger, so it’s important to do this now. Soothe your anxieties by giving yourself what you need in that moment, whether it’s reassurance, kind words, a hug. 

3. Figure out what works for you to ground yourself in reality and get out of your head and into your body. Is it meditation? Yoga? Running? Seeing friends? Something that you know lifts your spirits and brings you genuine joy. 

Any questions just let me know!

Love, Caitlin