I’ve had many interesting conversations recently with amazing women who feel they’re stuck in what I call ‘The Grey Area’... 

👉They’ve stopped dating unavailable people/ feel less attracted to those who don’t treat them well [insert whatever] 

👉 For some reason they can’t quite find the spark, or attraction to the people who do want a relationship/ are nice/ available/ [insert whatever]  

It can feel a little bit like limbo - you’re shrugging off patterns of the past, but don’t feel you’re sitting in this new shiny camp! 

It’s also a place where a whole lotta doubt and self-criticism gets raised, usually beating yourself up because “I should fancy them.”

Firstly, I’d like to remind you that you are not going to fancy, or be compatible with every available, good egg that comes along. And that is ok. Otherwise dating would be a helluva lot simpler! So as frustrating as it is, whilst reading this newsletter, I’d like you to suspend the self-doubt and blame. 

Once the crown of contempt has been lifted off, there are some great pointers you can start adopting when dating, to slowly move yourself out of this Grey Area, or at least figure out if you should persevere when there’s not that instant spark! 

👉Number one, please remember that the spark is not an indicator of romantic success, and a lot of the time it is bullsh*t. It can be based on Attachment Styles, brain chemistry, sexual chemistry, and many more. 89% of people in the US claimed that their relationship wasn’t love at first sight, which means a lot of amazing relationships are built. 

👉Number two, if you’ve been used to dating people you can’t have, you need to accept that dating is going to feel different for a while. If you have spent years on an emotional rollercoaster, can you imagine what that has done to your body and adrenaline levels? This new kind of dating might not be as rollercoaster-like, or have all the butterflies. We might interpret this as feeling a little dull, whilst consistency becomes more attractive to us, so you have to bear with it. 

👉 You 100% need some sort of attraction to date someone. HOWEVER, sometimes you have to retrain your brain to look for the healthy kind of attraction! Now this might sound unromantic, but building up new habits, and creating change requires effort and consistency. So on dates, rather than looking for what you don’t want, or what is wrong, or how they compare to your ex, we need to start looking for attractive qualities. Do they have nice hands? Did they hold the door open? Were they considerate? Did they plan something? After each date, write down 10 good things you liked, regardless of if you’re going to see them again or not. 

👉 Also check your bloody mindset! If you’re saying to yourself ‘I can’t be bothered’ then chances are you’ll have a crap time.

👉 Make sure you’re giving them enough time and opportunities to show different sides of them. I always suggest a three date rule, unless there is a strong reason not to see them again (E.G Andrew Tate fan or rude to waiters). I also suggest creating different environments to get to know them - a coffee is going to give a different vibe to a candle lit dinner, and crazy golf will bring out a different side again. People take time to relax, and attraction builds under different circumstances. 

👉 Last but not least, check how you’re behaving and your body language. With people you fancy immediately or feel there is a whole lotta sexual chemistry, you will respond differently. You’ll be sparklier yourself. You might be more flirty or suggestive.  Usually with people we’re not sure of, we retreat, our body language changes, we become a bit more guarded, and we don’t give ourselves the chance to fancy them, which in turn creates a whole different vibe. 

SO, if you’ve checked all of these and can honestly say that you have gone in with a positive mindset and given it a good chance, then bow out and accept that they’re not your person, my love! 

You won’t have wasted any time, because you will have learned a helluva lot during those few dates! 

I hope that helps! 

If you’d like to work on this personally with me, then book a free call!