I was on a consult call earlier today and someone said to me “god, you must have always been so good at relationships.”

I literally snorted. 

Because no, I have not always been good at relationships. In fact I was a DISASTER at relationships. 

My pattern usually was to date someone who was unavailable, not looking for a relationship, and looked a certain way/ had a certain job. I’d then say I was happy to ‘go with the flow’/ never have the conversation about WHAT I wanted (because I couldn’t even admit I wanted a relationship), sleep with them too quickly, mess about for a month or two and then when the ghosted me I’d moan/cry/drink a lot of wine, and turn my attention to the other man I’d been texting all along. When they WERE actually available, I’d get cold feet, think it was all moving way too quickly, convince myself they weren’t the one and move on. And repeat. 

I’d make all the resolutions about how “enough was enough” and “never again” and “I wasn’t going to end up back here again” and I’d buy a few books and delete the apps and usually spend a week feeling like a strong independent woman. 

Until, crunch time came to actually DOING something differently. A version of the previous guy would appear, or I’d have one drink too many, or I’d be feeling particularly low, and the excuses would start. 

Well, actually my life’s pretty good, right? I mean, I’m OK, I’m young, I can make mistakes? And actually they never treated me THAT badly, so why was I so upset? And this guy seems different, I mean yeh, he might not be looking for a relationship, but neither am I, so that’s fine right? 

So I stayed where I was. I spent years doing round and round the roundabout. 

Until things really did change. 

And no, I didn’t meet a guy who made it all better. 

I finally just had enough. FINALLY. 

I finally committed to changing 1) how I felt about myself 2) my relationship with men/love/commitment. And I decided to take action. 

I got serious. 

I read books and listened to podcasts and did all kinds of weird and wonderful practices and exercises that got me to the bottom of why I felt and acted the way I did and why I was attracted to/attracted a certain kind of person into my life. And step-by-step I practiced doing things differently. 

I deleted the apps and the numbers of people who I knew deep down weren’t right. I stopped replying to messages. I said no to nights out and to dates and surrounded myself with people that felt good. 

And I showed up every day. I showed up everyday and took action. 

And of course I took steps back. Of course I said yes to nights out and ended up in stupid situations. Of course an old flame crept back and I was tempted. 

But I didn’t get back on that roundabout. I would simply just recommit. I would rechoose. I would say ‘no’ again. And within a year I was living with the love of my life, and shortly after engaged.

And that’s what the first step is. 

If you want to create serious change in any area of your life, but especially your love life. The first step is commitment. The second step is action. 

A pattern I see time and time again is people being (like I was) almost ready. Ready to try something new, until it comes to the crunch time. When it comes to the commitment of time, effort and energy (and sometimes money) the natural impulse is to step back. 

To stay where you are. 

And that’s ok, because I firmly believe that when you’re ready, you’re ready. And that’s why I work with women who are a “hell yes”. It’s not my job to persuade you that it’s your time or you are ready. 

I’m just here when you are. 

But if you do want to welcome in something new, you have to commit to wanting it and take action to getting it. 

So, ask yourself: 

1. What commitments are you willing to make to make space for love in your life? How committed are you? Are you committed enough to delete your exes number? To spend a few months working on yourself? To invest? Write it down

2. What you’re prepared to let go of? With any change or step forward, there is always a mini loss. Whether this be letting go of an old thought that ‘you’re always the single one’ or an old flame, or an old persona. 

3. What you can DO instead? What behaviour do you know isn’t going to get you what you want and what can you do instead?